The Reason Why
by daydreamer4
Summary: Luke writes Lorelai a letter after their end of season blow up in the town square.


Author's Note: I haven't written in the Gilmore realm in a while. I guess it's because I've become disillusioned with the direction of the show, though I still watch. This just popped into my head and while I know it's slightly out of character for Luke, I figure it's the thoughts in his head, so I'm okay with it. No copyright infringement is intended with this piece. Reviews and comments are appreciated.

* * *

_The Reason Why _

Dear Lorelai,

I'm sitting here alone in my apartment wondering where you are and hoping you're safe. I tried calling your cell, your house, Rory, even your mother in the hopes that I'd find you. I realize now if I'd just gone after you when you left me in the middle of the square that maybe I wouldn't be sitting here worried and alone and all too aware of the sound of my clock ticking. Its dependable tick is really the only thing I can count on at this moment because tonight everything else went spectacularly to shit.

I'm not the kind of guy who pours his heart out in sappy letters. Hell, I'm not even the type of guy to really tell you how I feel if I can help it. I've tried to live my life through showing people how I feel about them. I realize now that lately I've been doing a pretty horrible job of telling you and showing how I feel about you. So, I did something tonight that I'm not real happy to admit, but I pulled out a book for some advice. It was a self-help book that I bought a while ago and I know we both think they're stupid, but this book really helped me once. In fact, it kind of led me to you. I thought it might help me find my way back to you. The author suggested writing a letter and letting my inner emotions out. I don't know if it'll work but I feel a strange sense of comfort writing to you as if you're here.

So tonight-I guess this is what this letter is all about anyway. I don't know what happened tonight. I know I hurt you and that was the last thing I ever wanted. I know I should have gone after you, but I was angry and when I get angry I get stubborn and I just couldn't allow myself to be forced into something as big as marriage. I've had one marriage crap out on me and even though I know you're it for me, it doesn't make it any easier for me to jump into the decision.

That's part of the reason why I looked a little shell-shocked when you came to see me tonight. I was stunned that you were delivering me an ultimatum on marriage. I didn't know we were to that point. You've always been the talker in the relationship. You've always told me your thoughts and opinions on everything from spandex to John Stewart's haircut to your theory on why new wave music died in the '80's. It was shocking to me that you felt so cut off from what was going on with me and April because you never really said anything. It was all out of left field for me tonight. You've been thinking about this forever and it's the first I've heard of it. Maybe that makes me out of touch, I don't know, but it was a shock.

You know I don't make spur of the moment decisions. It took me eight years to ask you out even though I wanted to from the moment I witnessed you giving Rory an education in the proper way to dip a scone. It took me 40 years to buy luggage because I never went anywhere that required more than a duffel bag. I have yet to paint over the order my Dad wrote on the wall ages ago and I still own the same baseball glove I had when I was 18. When I feel pressure I clam up. I'm not like you, always up for the next adventure. I'm old and set in my ways and tonight when you came in like a hurricane I didn't know what to do so I did what I always do when I feel threatened or uncomfortable. I wish I could be more spontaneous and fun-loving like you are sometimes, but it's just not me.

April. I know she's become a sore spot for us. I just want to be a good father. I never imagined that I'd end up like one of those guys on that show you watch with the paternity tests and the yelling, but apparently that is what my life has become. I don't know if this is going to make a difference to you, but I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow about April and visitation. The more I think about what Anna has said to both of us the angrier I get. I'm taking steps to make sure I can be a part of April's life with or without Anna's approval of who I'm engaged to or what kinds of birthday parties I give my daughter.

I'd like you to be involved in my time with April if you're still willing. I was just so hesitant to have you involved because of a lot of things. Some issues I've shared and some I haven't and I know it's not exactly fair, but I'd rather not get into the issues we have over April before we fix what's broken between us.

It feels horrible to even write that because it kills me to know that we've come to the point where we're broken, even if I don't really believe that in my heart. Nothing has been said or done that we can't fix.

Do you remember after your parent's wedding? I can honestly say that being away from you for those weeks seemed like years and I should have remembered how it felt. I shouldn't have taken for granted the times I'd call and you'd be there or the times you'd summon me to inn to fix something because at least I got to see you. At this moment, at four in the morning, when I don't know where you are or who you're with, the one thing I wish I had was you.

I know you're angry and I know I've hurt you, but please just call me so we can talk and I can make it up to you. I just need to know you're safe and I haven't broken that amazing spirit and beautiful smile that I've grown to love and need to make my life worth living.

You probably think this is ridiculous. Hell, even I think it's stupid and I'm the one pouring my heart out to s sheet of paper like a twelve year old with her diary. I don't know if it makes a difference for you to know all this. I guess the only thing you really need to know is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I still love you and I miss you and I want nothing more than to sit down and decide together when and where we're going to be made husband and wife.

I guess that's all I really have to give. That's my reason why. Please call me.

I love you,  
Luke

* * *

Lorelai folded the letter she'd just read and a single teardrop fell on the outside of the letter. She lowered her head into her hands and began to sob. She took a deep breath and inhaled the scent of Christopher's cologne, which had clung to her sweater. The smell burned her nostrils and she fought back the urge to be sick.

She sat back in the kitchen chair and sobbed as she ripped the shirt from her body and threw it on the floor as if ridding the offending item from her body would expel the memory of the previous night.

_Nothing has been said or done that we can't fix._ Lorelai kept repeating the line over and over in her head as if thinking it would somehow make it true. Luke might have admired Lorelai's spontaneous nature, but at this moment she wished she had his sensibilities when it came to making life-changing decisions.

Lorelai allowed herself to weep for a few minutes more before standing and picking up her sweater. She walked over to the trash in the kitchen and threw the sweater away. It had always been one of her favorites, but she knew she'd never wear it again. She took a deep breath in an attempt regain her composure before heading up the stairs to attempt to shower away her sins, knowing that no matter how much soap she used, she would never cleanse herself of the sadness that enveloped her at the moment, nor would she soon forget it.

The End.


End file.
